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You guys, exciting news! Remember "Cannibal Cop" Gilberto Valle, the guy found guilty of plotting to kill and cook women? Whatever! A judge later reversed his conviction and his wife left him. So you know what that means: Valle is single and ready to mingle. How ready? Check out Cannibal Cop's Match.com profile.
YES this is a real Match.com profile. Geez. Think we would joke about a thing like that?
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Valle's profile says he's a big foodie -- we bet he is! He's looking for a woman 24 to 32 who likes dining, wining, and cooking. Someone who's "non-judgmental," especially about his "supervised release." Oh, and he hungers for a woman who is "a little bit kinky." We wouldn't expect anything less.
More from The Stir: 'Cannibal Cop's Conviction for Plotting to Kidnap & Cook Women Is Overturned
So I'm thinking of what I could say when I message him. You know, something that'll make me stand out among the lady stampede that's no doubt storming his inbox? Like, I have to make myself sound especially appetizing. How about this:
Hey hottie!
I just spotted your profile and had to take a stab. Aren't you a smokin' hot piece of man meat! And you say know the difference between "you're" and "your" -- my God! Do you also flush the toilet? LOL, JK, my standards aren't that high. I have really low self esteem.
Your photo totally reminds me of a ravenous, salivating wild beast. Gotta admit, I'm totally turned on by that!
Anyhoo, a little bit about myself: My favorite TV show is Hannibal, and yeah, that means my favorite movie is Silence of the Lambs. (Ugh, except Clarisse and her stupid cheap shoes!) My favorite hobby is cooking. You could say I'm a feeder! I love serving up my bits.
I don't have a lot of meat on my bones, TBH. I guess I'm meant to be "savored" slowly by a special, non-judgmental kind of guy with particular tastes, you know? Oh, but I am kinky. Let's just say, I think sex should get out of the bedroom and into the kitchen more often. Know what I mean? LOL, of course you do.
So I hope you'll respond to my message! I feel, deep in the succulent marrow of my bones, that we are destined for each other. Can we meet for dinner? I think you'll find I'm exactly what you're craving!
P.S. My one dealbreaker? Don't bother writing back unless you LOVE eating you-know-what.
Okay, what do you think? Is this going to get me a bite from Cannibal Cop?
Images via Splash, Match
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