Happy birthday, Suri Cruise! How will the Princess of Scientology be spending her big day, I wonder? Riding her very own pink unicorn across a meadow of gumdrops in a custom-made Alexander McQueen for Kids gown? (Yeah, I know, McQueen would never.) I guess we'll have to wait for the tabloids to follow the 6-year-old around all freakin' day to find out.
But in the meantime, let's take walk (or have our mommies carry us) down memory lane and remember some of the highlights of Suri Cruise's short but endlessly absorbing life.
October 2005 Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise announce that they have mated and will produce an offspring shortly. There is much couch jumping, apparently a Scientology fertility ritual. Yes, I had to make that joke. It's in my job description.
April 18, 2006 Suri is reportedly born at St. John's Medical Center in Santa Monica, California. Doctors were at first alarmed at what appeared to be a dark ball of fur that emerged from Katie, but it turns out this really was just Tom's human offspring. Later a birth certificate is produced to prove she is not an alien sent by Xenu. Birthers!
October 2006 Suri's first Vanity Fair cover! The whole family poses together. "See, we told you it was a human baby. Now shut up." TomKat exude parental bliss. Suri is impossibly cute, but I still believe she's a real baby.
September 2009 First Suri in heels sighting. It's just the beginning of what will become a reportedly $15,000 shoe collection we are all secretly envious of.
December 2009 The Gillenda Mundo Park Zoo in Seville, Spain closes so Suri can have a private tour. Paparazzi gnash their teeth in response.
July 2010 Suri Cruise's first poop goes on sale. Not really.
October 2010 Suri dons a supposedly $6,000 Halloween costume. A princess in a blue gown, plus a few pearls, natch. Every little girl's dream!
September 2011 Suri steps out in bright-red lipstick. Mothers gasp in horror. Red lips on a child! Why I never! Etc. etc. Meanwhile, retailers report a run on smelling salts.
February 2011 Suri gets her first Starbucks. Calm down! It's probably just hot chocolate.
March 2011 Suri is still using a pacifier?!? Parents with weaned 4-year-olds rejoice in the opportunity to feel smug. Privately Katie and Tom have colossal argument over who forgot to hid the binky this time.
January 2012 Tom takes Suri to Disneyland. Their Disney minder plays with her hair and tries to act totally normal. Nice try, minder! We all know you're just one hysterical giggle away from totally losing it.
How do you think Suri will spend her sixth birthday?
Image via Pacific Coast News