Happy 18th birthday to Justin Bieber! He's a man now, a whole 18 years old and legal for all sorts of wicked shenanigans. And he'd like all you cougars to know, the Biebs is officially open for business. Oh yes, I'm talking to you, 43-year-old Bieber fan from Omaha, Nebraska, with the Bieber desktop wallpaper and the headphones always plugged into the BiebTunes. He sent out a Tweet just for you: "dear cougars. i see the jokes. im legal. hahaha"
Oh, but you're gonna have to get in line. I mean, there must be scores of hot celebrity cougars dying to sink their claws into Mr. "I'm Legal Now." Look out, Selena. Your man is about to get pounced!
Oh my gosh, look at all these ladies already lining up for their piece of Bieber cake!
Demi Moore. I guess this goes without saying -- she's available, and she likes younger men. And she loves doing whip-its! Oh what, that's going too far? Fine. She's done rehab, she's over it. Now she's onto Pixy Stix. I hear giggling ...
Kim Kardashian. He's already called her his "girlfriend" -- so it's just a matter of time. Her people need to call his people, which should be any day now. And look at them together! That giant space between their bodies, probably the largest ever recorded between two people standing arm-in-arm, is just Kim's way of respecting Justin's nascent manliness. It's definitely not because she's creeped out by him.
Betty White. I added her in for SEO purposes. We all know Betty White is cougar for Alec Baldwin.
Madonna. "Yawn, that 25-year-old French break dancer Brahim Zaibat is getting so tiresome," Madonna says in her vaguely English accent. "He's a nobody! I need an international superstar who can keep up with me!" Don't worry, Brahim. She'll still keep you around for your 2:00 p.m. toe-sucking sessions because you're really good at that. Nothing personal.
Jennifer Lopez. Think that Oscars nip slip was just an innocent accident? Think again. That was J. Lo's bat signal to the Biebs, her come-hither siren call, custom-designed for his eyes only. And the rest of the country. But especially for Bieber.
Did this post totally gross you out or do you also lust after Bieber?
Image via @justinbieber/Twitter