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Denial runs deep for all of us, but there are some gifted individuals who seem to display a particular talent for it. Take this woman who saw photos of her boyfriend getting married to another woman: Readers, she saw those photos and yet still hung on to the possibility that her boyfriend was faithful.
The anonymous woman posted a query on Ask MetaFilter: Did my boyfriend just get married? "My boyfriend and I are long-distance, and yesterday I stumbled on 'wedding' photos of him and his ex that were taken two weeks ago." Oh, but there's a totally reasonable explanation for this, rest assured.
He told me that it was from a video that his university is making for new students to show how glamorous graduate school life can be (he's a professor and an alum). Am I being irrational in doubting him?
Lady, in answer to your question, YES. Your boyfriend just got married. And NO, you're not being irrational in doubting him. Irrational would be believing his cockamamy explanation. I mean, that should be the end of the story. Boom! You've been hoodwinked. But no -- it doesn't end there.
As context, I'm a 23-year-old woman and he's a 29-year-old man, and we've been dating for the past year and a half after knowing each other for three years. We met during his graduate studies at my university, which was abroad for him.
The photos were from two weeks ago and posted by a student of his on Facebook. I was utterly shocked when I saw the photos. They look so real; he and his ex are both in gorgeous wedding attire and there's a crowd in the background and I just don't know what to think.
You should probably think, "Oh, looks like my boyfriend just got married."
There was even a framed family picture of them in one of the photos! I am actually wondering whether he just got married and I've been taken for a ride, which is CRAZY. I feel crazy.
It would not be CRAZY to suspect your boyfriend has been lying to you and just got married. Crazy is believing that an institute of higher learning would film an elaborate wedding scene as part of its promotion.
We've been long-distance since last fall, and because of the distance, I've only been able to visit him twice in that time since we're in different countries. I'm not the most secure person in the world, but I feel like even for a normal, no-anxiety sort of person this would be an uncomfortable surprise. I would try to check whether there actually is a school video but unfortunately I don't speak the language of his country.
Yes. Yes, this definitely makes for an uncomfortable surprise. That's one way to put it.
To be clear, when I stumbled on the photos, it was from a Facebook profile link he had sent me. He didn't seem nervous or confused when I called to ask about it (although I must have sounded frozen, since the photos looked horribly realistic). He even laughed when he said that some of his friends congratulated him because they were fooled by the photos. (That really did not make me feel better.) He hadn't told me about this video shoot for the school before, and he said he thought it wasn't important enough to mention to me.
Wow, didn't even blink! He knows how gullible she is. He doesn't even have to try.
If I think about all the time we spend IMing and calling and Skyping, he couldn't possibly also be married, right?
Nooooooo, because that's never happened before to anyone ever in the history of long-distance affairs.
More from The Stir: 10 Ways to Know Very Quickly If You're Dating a Psychopath
"He is obsessed with his career." Sure he is. "How could he have the time to juggle two relationships?" That's a good question. Maybe he has time because YOU'RE NOT THERE WITH HIM.
I flip between feeling like I'm just being ridiculous and feeling convinced that I'm the affair.
I can help you out there. You are both being ridiculous and you are the other woman. Mind blown, yet?
I don't want to bring it up with him because if I do, I would probably just fall off a cliff of crazy and alienate him. What would you do in this situation? I feel like I'm overreacting, but how do I tame my irrational fears?
Readers, what should she do in this situation? (I'm asking rhetorically.) What follows this astonishing query is comment after comment gently suggesting that she is being deceived.
Amazingly, no one goes ALL CAPS on her like I would. They're sensitive to the impending heartbreak. I mean, this poor woman! She's been deceived and she's devastatingly desperate.
The thing is, almost all of us have been lied to at one point or another. We've all had moments of profound denial. I have definitely had my share of moments where I saw only what I wanted to see. I think that's why I'm so impatient with this woman. My exasperation with her is actually just exasperation with myself, for my own past naivete.
Anyway, the poster does finally accept reality ... well, to a point.
When I confronted him today, he admitted that he’s engaged.
Married. MARRIED! He's married. Sigh. Anyway.
I can’t comprehend it. Obviously we can’t date anymore, and I shouldn’t talk to him anymore. But I don’t know how to start feeling like a whole person again. I’m angry and heartbroken, and I don’t know what to do when part of me is so betrayed and the other part still loves him. Crazily enough, that part of me that cares about him is even a little glad that he found someone he really loves. But I don’t know what my tomorrow morning will be like without a good morning text from him, without hearing his voice. Everything is so surreal. He asked me for another Skype tomorrow, and I think it really, really needs to be the last time we talk for a long time. Because I still want too much to believe him when he tells me he loves me. But really, really, thank you. Without everyone, I would have just ignored the photos otherwise, told myself that I’m overreacting, that everything is OK. Thank you.
Awww, this woman! She's breaking our hearts. I'm glad the community was supportive of her and led her kindly to the light. Someday she'll look back on this and she won't believe she fell for this lying psychopath. But today, one thing about her story is all too real: Her feelings for this man who clearly did not deserve her.
Have you ever fallen for a player you should have known was a lying good-for-nothing?
Image via Twin Design/Shutterstock
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