Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Want to ignite your sex life with your spouse? We've got just the thing, and it couldn't be easier! A survey says 66 percent of runners have more sex when they run with their partner. Together! Fitness with your honey! It's the hot new way to get more hot sexy times! What could possibly be wrong with this awesome tip?
Nothing at all! If you already love running and have no kids and all the time in the world.
But for couples with small children, bwa ha ha ha ha, good luck making this "let's go for a run together" foreplay fantasy happen any time in the next decade. Let us consider the hurdles. (Heh heh, hurdles! Okay never mind.)
1. You will have to get up so early. Before the kids are awake! What time would that be, 4:30 A.M.?
2. Or you will have to run after the kids go to bed. And you're done cleaning up dinner and putting away the laundry. So 11:00 P.M. That's a totally reasonable time to go running.
3. Either way you'll need to hire a sitter. Because you can't just leave a three-year-old and an infant alone in your house even if they're asleep. Even though you dream of doing that all the time.
4. Which means this running together fantasy will cost you money. And for just ten bucks more you could hire a sitter and go out for ice cream instead. But then you'll be in the mood for sleep, not sex.
More from The Stir: 16 Funny Quotes That Cut to the Heart of Marriage
5. Supposing you do go for that run, think about what you look like when you exercise. Just speaking for myself, I sweat like crazy and, as a charming bonus, my nose runs. Oh yes, and my hair frizzes. Add it all together and you get: HOT MESS. No, but literally. And the lunatic faces of exertion we all pull when we exercise? No thank you.
6. What if you're at different fitness levels and one of you runs way ahead of the other? Or one of you has to slow-jog? Or the other nearly has a heart attack trying to keep up? Do you know the odds of a couple having a perfectly matched running stride? It's something like .00000001.
7. Some people hate running. It's true.
8. Running may leave you feeling more tired and/or hungry. Why would you follow up exercise with yet more exercise (sex)? No. You'll want to eat a big plate of scrambled eggs and take a nap instead.
9. Now that I've brought up eggs and napping I've forgotten what we're talking about.
10. Ah yes, running together and excuses not to do that. Here's another one: Some runners get diarrhea. Okay, it's mostly just the long-distance runners, but still.
11. What if you do manage to run together and it's awesome and you start having more sex? Ugh, you'll become one of those couples. You know the kind I'm talking about. They're in great shape and they have a fabulous sex life. Do you really want to be that couple?
Yeah, you probably do. Just please don't put your glowing post-run us-ies on Facebook. Have some consideration for the rest of humanity, okay?
Do you and your spouse ever exercise together -- or even talk about doing that?
Image via Maridav/Shutterstock
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
