The way it plays out in the media and online you'd think slut-shaming was one of our favorite past times. Sadly, we women can join in just as enthusiastically as the guys do, sometimes. But why?
We asked a community of moms how they really feel about sexually promiscuous women, and why that kind of behavior seems to bother others so much.
A lot of women say they don't care because it's none of their business. "Not my circus, not my monkeys," as one mom put it. Just so long as no one tries to make a move on their husbands ...
Although someone pointed out that "a man doesn't get taken unless he wants to be."
Very few openly condemn sexually promiscuous women. "A loose woman has loose morals," one mom says.
"To be honest, I think it's disgusting," says another mom. "To be that intimate with someone requires a huge amount of trust for me, and I don't understand how people can give their body so easily."
And a third woman admitted she thinks it's "kinda gross," especially considering all the possible venereal diseases you can contract from unprotected sex.
Some moms boldly came forward to claim that title for themselves. "I think it's fun to be sexually promiscuous," says one.
Another says:
I was one before my first marriage then again between my marriage and my current fiance. I like sex. I don't always want/need a commitment. After my divorce, I was NOT ready for another committed relationship, but I enjoy sex and I wasn't willing to go without. So I had fwbs [friends with benefits], men I went out with casually and the occasional one night stand. I was happy. I used protection. I healed from my divorce.
Maybe we're all promiscuous, at one point or another, suggests this mom. "Most women living is this post free-love time are/were promiscuous to some degree. If a woman continues to engage in this behavior after she is out of the wild stage of younger years, I tend to think there are some self-esteem issues."
It's not always a positive for everyone, though. One mom expresses regret:
I feel sad. I was one. I was trying to fill something that wasn't there. I still don't really know what it was, but that was not the answer. It's kind of like trying to find the answer in the bottom of a bottle; it is just not there.
We have to wonder how many other women just aren't willing to admit what this woman admits: "I am jealous that they get more action than me."
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One woman blames slut-shaming on immaturity and lack of perspective. "You live and you learn and you don't know what the future holds. There might come a day when you find yourself doing exactly what you judged and bashed others for."
And another woman sees it as a destructive part of our culture.
It gets a rise out of people because our society still places a lot of taboos on female sexuality. We're supposed to want monogamy, family, etc. People get uncomfortable when a woman doesn't want those things, and prefers to play the field because they truly believe there must be something wrong with her. There isn't, of course, but that particular cultural belief has stuck fast.
Is promiscuity a symptom of poor self esteem? Several moms seem to think so. "Promiscuity is rather complex. Many times it's a result of negative self image. So it would depend on the why."
But that's not necessarily a given. "I hate when people assume that a girl who is promiscuous has a negative self image, no self-confidence, or 'daddy issues.' But a man who is promiscuous is just a man, of course ..."
And speaking of men, several moms indignantly pointed out the double standard -- men can be promiscuous, too, but with far less stigma.
"For every promiscuous woman there is probably a promiscuous man," says one mom. "I think it's crazy that it's OK for a guy but if you're a woman, it make you 'slutty.'" Where did this double standard even come from? Oh yeah ...
I think the mentality that women should live by a different moral compass came about from MEN trying to oppress us and sadly, so many women still buy off on that line of complete bullshit.
To end this all on a positive note, I love the philosophy this mom eloquently laid out, almost like a poem. It goes way beyond that more passive, "none of my business" acceptance of other women you hear from everyone else. Instead, it's actively supportive. It's about all of us owning our sexuality, taking responsibility for it in all ways. This is something she wants for every woman, not just for herself, and I find that inspiring.
Women being accepting of their own sexuality and that of other women.
Women making their own choices in regards to their own sexual choices and behaviors.
Women being safe, responsible, and practical when making their sexual choices.
Women being fully consenting of the sexual behaviors/acts that they participate.
Women choosing to participate in sexual behaviors/acts because for THEIR reasons, for their wants/needs, not solely for those of someone else. Which too many women have sex for someone else's sake, someone else's needs, not their own. How often they do it, how many times they do it, how many different people they do it with. None of those things matter to me.
A woman being comfortable with her sexuality, accepting of it, safe, responsible, and consenting is all what matters to me. And should in my opinion matter to more people, especially other women.
Beautiful, right? I'm down with that.
What do you think of so-called "slut-shaming"? Do you think we do too much of it?
Image via Sergey Mironov/Shutterstock