Ladies, we have a new Bachelor: Former soccer player and Venezuela native Juan Pablo. Um, yay ... I guess? Sorry about my total lack of enthusiasm, but these Bachelor/Bachelorette people all seem to come from the same mold. That's why I never watch the shows. That's right -- at the peril of losing my job here at The Stir, I am admitting to you all that I never watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Shocking, I know. But you know what? I would watch -- I really would -- if they would just try something new.
Match.com ran a poll asking users who they would pick for the next Bachelor, and you'll never guess who won: Comedian and actor Aziz Ansari from Parks and Recreation. WHICH WOULD BE A BRILLIANT CHOICE (sorry Juatshisname soccer player) for so many reasons.
First of all, Aziz is just funny. Sure, The Bachelor is unintentionally funny, if you put on your irony goggles. But if you've ever watched Parks and Rec or seen Aziz's standup, you know how silly he is, especially with that suave ladies' man shtick he does with his Tom Haverford character.
Speaking of Tom Haverford, you know Aziz would get totally meta with The Bachelor, sending up the whole premise, mocking all of its conventions and rituals -- but at the same time he'd take it all as seriously as he possibly could. Can't you just see a whole scene where he grooms himself before meeting the ladies? And then he comes downstairs to meet them all and uses all these cheesy lines that make the women cringe uncomfortably. And then he'd say, "I don't get it -- I used all my best moves!" Oh my God, it would be perfect. It would be so much more fun that way. Well, for a nerd like me, anyway.
Or maybe they could come up with some contestants with personalities who don't get voted off the island (or whatever it is) within the first few episodes! Can you imagine? I just think it's so boring the way they keep doing this show exactly the same way with exactly the same kind of cookie-cutter people over and over again. How about a super-butch roller derby girl, a bitter middle school teacher, a burned-out social worker, a circus lion tamer, an anthropologist, an aging socialite who's more Grey Gardens than Real Housewives. Know what I mean?
But they're not going to mess with a formula that's obviously working for everyone else. Whatever. I'll keep avoiding this show for as long as I can possibly get away with. Just don't tell my editors.
Who would you pick to be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette?
Image via NBC